


He's Gone Now

by thedevilsenbychild



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel is human, Dean Winchester x Castiel - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Angst, Human!Castiel - Freeform, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, Supportive Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24599614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedevilsenbychild/pseuds/thedevilsenbychild
Summary: Starts in early season 7:Dean is happy that Cas is gone, he ruined everything. He broke Sam's wall and released the leviathans and Dean is pissed. With Cas gone, Dean tries to save his brother and comes to terms with the fact that he is in love with his best friend. If only he could just tell him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel
Kudos: 22





	He's Gone Now

**Author's Note:**

> 'Sup! I've mostly left the SPN fandom but I found this fic that I started like a year ago and rather liked it. So I decided to finish it and now here we are! So enjoy!

Dean stared at the book in his hands, doing his best to read the words on the page. But no matter how hard he tried the letters seemed to swim, rendering the text illegible. Dean sighed and placed the book on the kitchen table, resisting the urge to slam it down in frustration. He rubbed his eyes and staggered over to Bobby’s freezer for a beer. Seeing the fridge was empty, Dean groaned, he really needed a beer.

He sat back down in front of the book, and tried, yet again, to read the lore on the pages before him. He wasn’t used to reading so much, Sam was usually the one doing all the research for cases, but as Sam was currently dealing with hallucinations and what was probably PTSD from Hell, Dean was letting him off the hook on this one. Dean rubbed his eyes but the letters still swam, there was no way Dean was going to get through all this research without a beer.

He closed his eyes and leaned back, stretching his arms above his head. When Dean opened his eyes, Sam was standing in the doorway. He gave Dean a weak smile, “Hey, Dean.”

“Hiya, Sammy. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Dean gave him a pointed look, causing Sam to sigh, “I’m managing. But I’m basically fine.”

“If you say so. Hey, I was just about to make a beer run, why don’t you come? It might be good to get outside for a bit, you been holed up in here for a while.”

“Sure, sounds good,” Sam said, his voice sounded slightly strained. Dean narrowed his eyes in concern, but let Sam be. If he said he was fine, he was fine. 

Dean walked into the dining room to grab his keys. And, gesturing to Sam, called, “Come on then.” Sam followed him out to the car and climbed into the passenger seat without saying a word. Dean put on some Metallica and started bobbing his head to the music. When the song reached its chorus, Dean sang along with it and hit his hands against the wheel to match the drums. He glanced over at Sam and was about to signal him to sing as well when he noticed Sam flinching at the particularly loud notes.

Dean reached over and turned the song off. “Sorry, Sam. You good?” he asked. Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw Sam nod and he turned his attention back to the road. “Is there anything you want to listen to?”

“Some soft rock maybe?” Sam said cautiously.

“Sure, no problem,” Dean said. He reached over to the radio and put on Comfortably Numb, making sure to keep the volume low for Sam’s sake. After a while, Dean noticed that Sam was swaying slightly to the music, his eyes were closed and he had a slight smile on his face. When they arrived at the liquor store, Sam even came inside, and Dean watched as he grabbed a beer from a cooler and brought it to the counter. He smiled. He couldn’t help it, Dean was proud of how well Sam was doing, although he did let Dean do all the talking. 

Dean placed the two six-packs in the back of the Impala as Sam climbed into the passenger's seat and turned on more soft rock. They listened to music in silence until Sam turned off the radio. Dean looked over to him in surprise but decided against questioning Sam’s motives. 

They drove in complete silence for a couple of seconds before Sam said, “Cas is gone now.”

“Good,” Dean replied, his voice cold.

Sam paused for a minute, considering his words carefully. “I thought perhaps you loved him. That you would be sad to see him go.”

Dean sighed and prepared himself to admit what he had fought against for so long. He took a deep breath before he said, “I did.”

“Then why are you happy he’s gone?”

“Because I hated myself for loving him.”

“Why?”

“I—” Dean sighed. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Because you think it’s wrong to love a man?” Sam asked, his voice full of innocence and understanding. 

“Yeah.”

“It’s not. There’s nothing wrong with it. Love is beautiful regardless of who it’s for.”

“I know, Sam!” Dean shouted. Sam flinched away from Dean at his sudden outburst and Dean was immediately flooded with guilt. “I’m sorry. But don’t you think I know that? That’s like the poster phrase for the queer community. ‘Love is love’ and all that bullshit? And, you know what? They’re right, and I know there’s nothing wrong with it. But it’s wrong because it’s Cas. He broke down your wall, it’s his fault that you’re having to deal with all that stuff in your head. He also let out the Leviathans. And, not to mention, he’s a fucking angel, Sam, he’s not even human.”

“It’s not his fault I was in the cage in the first place. Sure, it was shitty for him to bring down my wall but I’ve forgiven him for that, and you should too. And even though he let out the Leviathans, he was trying to defeat Raphael, he was doing what he thought was right. He was like us in that regard. We consistently do stupid shit because we think it’s the right thing to do. Come on man, I started the apocalypse but you’re still here with me.”

“But that’s different,” Dean interjected. 

“Not really. Sure, I’m your brother, but you love us both. And so what if he’s an angel? He’s Cas, and you love him, that’s all that should matter!”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Dean sighed. 

“You deserve to be happy, and if a pep talk is going to convince you to allow yourself to be, then it’s worth it.”

“Thanks, man,” Dean said. When Sam didn’t respond, Dean glanced over to see Sam staring straight ahead into space. Sam was blinking rapidly and kept clenching and unclenching his jaw. “Sam!” Dean yelled, he immediately pulled over to the side of the road and ran around the car to Sam’s side. 

Dean shook Sam’s shoulders and gently slapped his cheeks. But nothing he did brought Sam back to reality. “Sammy! Come on man!” Dean yelled and Sam went completely still before he shook his head slightly and, kneading his thumb into the scar on his left palm, turned to look at Dean. “Hell?” Dean asked. Sam only stuck his hand out and wiggled it. “Okay, only partly hell. Was Lucifer doing anything?” Sam shivered and nodded. “Wanna talk about it?” Sam shook his head and lowered his gaze to the floor, still pressing his scar, flinching slightly because of it. 

Dean sighed, he had to hold himself back from grabbing Sam’s hands to keep him from hurting himself and force him to tell Dean what he just saw. But that would only hurt Sam. “Is it getting any better?” Dean asked. 

Sam shrugged. “Same as usual,” he said weekly. “But at least it isn’t worse.”

“That’s right. You’ve just gotta stay positive!”

Sam nodded and said, “I’m alright now, Dean. You can keep driving.” Dean nodded stiffly and returned to his seat and drove the rest of the way to Bobby’s house, glancing over to Sam every couple of minutes. When they arrived back at Bobby’s, Sam went straight to the couch and fell asleep while Dean put the beer in the fridge. He grabbed a bottle and went back to the still open lore book sitting on the kitchen table.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Over the next few months, Sam’s mental health appeared to be improving and Dean was doing everything he could to avoid thinking about Castiel. But, out of the blue, Sam broke and landed himself in a mental hospital, and Dean couldn’t help but wish Cas was still alive. With no way to fix Sam, Dean was holed up in Rufus’ cabin scouring the internet when he learned of a healer named Emmanuel. Dean decided to pay him a visit

“Cas,” Dean breathed. He knew this wasn’t his Cas, he wasn’t even Cas anymore. 

“I don’t know any Cas, I apologize.”

Dean shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, you just remind me of someone I knew.”

“Knew?” Cas, no Emmanuel, asked. 

“Yeah, he did some bad stuff, hurt some people. But I know he was just trying to help.”

Emmanuel cocked his head and gestured for Dean to sit on the couch. Dean told him about Sam and about angels and demons and monsters. Emmanuel didn’t know if he would be able to help, but he promised to try. Dean wanted to scream at him. He wanted to punch him and make him bleed and scream at him to fix his brother because he was the one who broke everything. 

Dean stayed silent and drove them to the hospital, he told Emmanuel about Cas. Dean was in a trance-like state as he spoke. It hurt. He was sitting next to his best friend, the angel he’d fallen in love with. But it wasn’t really him, not anymore. 

“Sounds like you really loved him.” Cas, Emmanuel, said. 

Dead froze. “What?”

“The way you talk about him. You really cared about him.”

“I guess so.” Fuck it, what was the harm in telling him. He wasn’t Cas anymore. “Yeah, um, he was my best friend and he—” Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes, trying to focus on the road. “And I really loved him more than that.”

“You fell in love?”

Dean nodded, he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. “We’re here,” he said, quickly changing the subject as they pulled into the hospital parking lot. 

They climbed out of the car and as Dean rummaged through the trunk, Cas, Emmanuel, spoke. “I was Cas, wasn’t I?”

Dean knocked his head on the roof of the car. “What?” Shit, shit, shit. 

“The way you looked at me. Your eyes were full of anger and hurt and longing.”

Dean couldn’t speak, so he grabbed Cas’ bloody trench coat and held it out to him. He stared at the ground, unable to look Cas in the eye. “This was yours.”

“It’s quite filthy.”

“Just shut up and take it.”

Cas pulled the coat over his shoulders. Dean clenched his fists. He looked like he did when he ruined everything. 

“I’m sorry for what I did. I don’t remember doing it, but I’m sorry.”

Dean nodded. Changing the subject, he pointed to the entrance of the hospital and said, “Those guards. They’re demons. Smite them when you go in.”

“I don’t remember how.”

“You’ll figure it out.” And he did and Cas returned to him. He saw it when Cas pressed his palm to the forehead of the first guard and he glowed. Dean could’ve cried. But he didn’t and followed Cas from a bit behind. 

Cas delivered his brother to him and Dean lost him again when Cas saved Sam. Dean practically carried Sam out of the hospital, looking back only once to see his best friend, the man he loved, staring despondently into space, rocking back and forth on the hospital bed. 

“I forgive you, Cas,” he whispered.

They turned the corner and Cas was gone again. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Months later Dean and Sam are driving on a highway in the middle of nowhere. There is a man walking on the side of the road. Dean checks the rearview mirror and almost drives off the highway. 

“What the fuck, Dean?” Sam asks as Dean stops the car in the middle of the road, not even bothering to pull over. 

Dean doesn’t answer. He climbs out of the car and screams, “Cas!”

The man looks up and Dean begins to cry. But he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about what anyone thinks anymore. He grabs the back of Cas’ trench coat and pulls him into a hug. And Cas hugs back, stiffly at first, but soon melting into Dean. 

Dean buries his head into Cas’ neck and cries tears of joy. Cas rubs Dean’s back and brings his head to Dean's ear. 

Dean shivers as Cas whispers, “I love you too.”

Dean smiles. And in that moment, that beautiful moment, they have become something more.


End file.
